Tag: memories

Happy New Year

Hello! I hope everyone had a lovely New Year’s celebration. I wound up going to a friend’s party in which I knew two people. She was busy being a host, so I sat and spent most of the night with my other friend. He and I talked about old relationship woes, interesting stories, and how our 2018 went. It was low-key, a few tears were shed, but it wound up being a nice night.

There’s a lot of pressure on January 1st for it to be the benchmark of how the rest of the year will go. My mind keeps telling me to get up, make plans, go out, just do something! But, my heart is telling me to slow down. Reflect. Read. Write. As much as I want to start the New Year active and rushing forward, I recognize that I do need to settle in – at least for today.

Tomorrow, I go back to work and we are starting our winter project. I work at a University that hosts 20 students for a month long intensive course. I make sure that their schedules are in order and that they have everything they need to thrive in the program. This will be my fourth year with the winter program. Although I’m excited, I have a bittersweet feeling about this project. Tomorrow marks one year in which my entire life changed.

In short, once the program was over, I started dating my ex. And goodness me, what a whirlwind that was. Genuinely, 2018 has taught me how much can change in a year. I may have only dated him for less than a year, but I can tell you that in that time, it was one of the best years of my life. Which is why when we broke up, it absolutely crushed me. I didn’t know how we could go from having this amazing, exciting, loving relationship, to not speaking.

My ex and I have been friends for two and a half years. We were really close and once we started dating, it made so much sense. Now, I’m coping with the fact that we are not talking. I know we are working on (another) project together starting in a few days… but after that? I’m trying to get my heart in line with the idea of not working with him and not seeing him after February. It hurts. It genuinely hurts, but I don’t want to expect the best and be crushed all over again.

It’s been three and a half weeks. We are in a new year. I’m nervous about this coming year and yet, I’m looking forward to it. Considering how much my life changed in 2018, I’m curious to see what 2019 will be like. Here’s to finding out!

Small down swing

As I was emailing some co-workers, I went to attach a file with their tasks for next week. What popped up instead was another file I had saved that was a schedule for a project my ex and I were working on. I slipped into a little bit of sadness. Then, I decided to open up this blog and write about it.

When we break up, we see our ex everywhere in everything at anytime. Naturally, we want to take this as a sign not to give up, maybe they want us back. Maybe I can text them to tell them that I saw this thing and it reminded me of them! Then another wave of sadness hits. We’re not together. We’re not going to be together. They’re gone.

I have seen reminders of my ex everyday. Whether it’s seeing or hearing his name. Our favorite music plays on the radio. Trailers for movies we talked about seeing together. On Christmas, my brother was watching a movie that we saw on our first date. I could list all of the things I’ve seen that has made me think about him but I won’t. Why? If I don’t acknowledge it, then it’ll go away. Follow me on this. Anytime I see something about him, my impulse it to text him or to text our mutual best friend. Now, imagine being that friend. Getting 3-5 texts a day from your friend who recently just got broken up with. You’ll talk about it first. Then you’ll kind of feel bad. Then you might not reply.

Here’s what I do instead. I recognize it. I recognize that this thing reminds me of my ex. I allow myself to smile about a memory attached to it, or I allow myself to be upset because it was a dream that never came to fruition. I acknowledge it to myself. Now, believe me. I joke that I’m either really quiet, or you can’t get me to stop talking. I want to bring it up every time I see something about him. I want to talk about it so bad! However, I just can’t because I’ll get stuck and then everything I see will turn into a sign. The only time I talk about it is when I’m with someone else. The other day, I was at a bookstore with our mutual best friend. I was doing well until he picked up a book for a game that we all talked about playing… and I started to cry.

I think it’s healthy to talk about it. I think it’s more than okay to pick up your phone and to call a friend when you need to discuss your anger, sadness, anything associated with the breakup. It needs to get out of your system one way or another. However, if the reminder pops up and it’s not intrusive then I say just appreciate it for what it was. Or get upset because there is a bad memory attached to it. Allow yourself to feel it. But don’t bring attention to it. Your brain will start feeding you more “signs” of your ex and you’ll loop around and around.

Now, I know it’s easier said than done. This goes for “reminders” not “triggers.” Triggers are completely different. I might go into that in another blog since I do have some triggers from different exes. Fortunately with this ex, his are only subtle reminders that punch me in the gut and tell me that he’s no longer my boyfriend.